Going to nightclubs would be a lot more enjoyable if people knew how to behave properly. Follow these seven simple yet important rules and you’ll make life easier for everyone.
The best part about going to nightclubs—especially on the weekends—is that you are surrounded by strangers who might become new friends, give you a bump, or go back to your house to have sex. The worst part about being in nightclubs—especially on the weekends—is that you are surrounded by strangers who are unruly, annoying, get in the way, thereby ruining the very venue you’re trying to enjoy. For those of you who don’t go out that often—or those of you that do, but are just uncouth animals who don’t know how to behave—here are seven things that you should not do in a club ever again. Follow this advice and you’ll be a model clubgoer in no time at all.
Don’t Take Pictures
Most nightclubs are dark. Do you know what it’s like to go from being in a dark room to having your eyes exposed to a bright, stabbing light? Yeah, it sucks. But that is what happens to all the people standing by you every time you take a picture of your friends. We get that you want to document the evening, and a snap or two is fine. But there’s always that drunk girl who can’t go two seconds without setting off that flash in everyone’s faces and driving us batty. Your Facebook profile is probably already brimming with evidence of your friends’ bad decisions. Don’t add to it. Why not stop worrying about preserving the memories, put down the cameras, and make some new ones?
Don’t Stand on the Stairs
Didn’t your mother tell you not to play on the stairs? Invariably, someone always does, usually so they can talk to someone going in the other direction. This creates gridlock because no one can go from one level to the other (and, trust us, you are not nearly important enough to keep everyone from mingling). The same goes for people who hang out at the top or bottom of the stairs. Then everyone has to go around you, thus constricting the flow of traffic and making getting around horrible. Use the stairs for travel only and then find a nice out-of-the-way spot to hang out. This rule also applies to single-level clubs. Don’t park your ass next to the entrance, the bathroom door, or in the middle of a narrow hallway. Even if the place isn’t too crowded, you’re getting in the way isn’t helping any.
Don’t Flag Down a Bartender
There is no one more annoying than that ass who walks up to a crowded bar and yells, "Hey, bartender!" and wags his money at the man pouring drinks. First of all, you are by no means any more important than any of the people who are waiting patiently for a cocktail. Secondly, this is just going to piss the bartender off. Let the bartender get to you. He knows what he’s doing. (Hopefully.) Yelling for him is only going to insure he ignores you.
Don’t Order an Appletini
I don’t have a problem with martinis, regardless of whether they’re apple, tangerine, mudpie, or margarita-flavored. But don’t order any drink that comes in a martini glass. This is a sit-down drink best saved for a quieter spot where you can place it on a table and not spill it on everyone, thereby making the floor first wet and then sticky. Also: They take forever to make. Just get a vodka soda or a gin and tonic and let everyone get to the bar a little bit quicker and drier. Thanks!
Don’t Hold Hands
If you want to stand there and hang on to your significant other, that’s fine. What I’m referring to are those obnoxious people who insist on making a train whenever they move through a crowd. This is annoying and inconvenient for every single person you jostle and bump with your chain gang. Stop it. No matter how big the club is, you don’t need to have your friends that close at hand. You probably won’t lose them, and if you do, you’ll find them again. And if you don’t, you can make new friends. You’re in a club for God’s sake.
Don’t Ignore the Bathroom Attendant
Although I think they are a bit annoying, the bathroom attendant has the shittiest job in the whole club. They have to sit and watch a bunch of drunk people poo and pee and apply lipstick and flush the toilet to mask the sound of inhaling white substances off a key. That sucks. So on your way out, take a mint or a spritz of perfume and leave them a dollar. It’s the least you can do.
Don’t Dance on a Banquette
You are not Paris Hilton, please do not behave as if you are. You will just end up looking like an attention-seeking idiot who never goes out. Then you’ll fall over, spill someone’s drink, break your heel, show everyone that you are not wearing panties, piss everyone off, and probably get your whole posse shown the door. There is a whole area reserved for dancing. It’s called the dance floor. Go check it out.
Send an email to Brian Moylan, the author of this post, at brian.
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